An Open Letter to Bananas


Derek Williams

Morgan Crosby hangs from a tree with her beloved banana.

Dear Everyone,

I love bananas. And I don’t care who knows it.

They are yellow and yellow is a happy color. Therefore bananas are happy. Fight me on that one.

Bananas are also full of nutrients. So they beat Twinkies in the realm of yellow foods. Suck it Twinkies.

Bananas should also have your respect because there are more songs about them than apples. Did Gwen Stefani write a song about apples? No, she didn’t. She wrote it about powerful women and included bananas so yes they still win. What now apples?

But that’s not why we’re here. No, we’re here because people keep telling me how to love bananas. That’s none of your business. I will love them as I please.

Do I eat them sideways like corn on the cob? Yes, I do. Will it send me to hell for being so unnecessarily evil? Probably. Is it worth it? Yes because I live life on the edge with no regrets.

Do I open them from the stem? Yes, I do. Do I do this because its the way humans are supposed to open them? Yes.

And if I hear one more person say “yOu’Re SuPPoSeD tO oPEn ThE BaNAnA frOm thE OThEr EnD. THat’S hoW ThE monKeyS dO iT.” I will not be held accountable for my actions.

Do I look like a monkey? (Don’t answer that.)



Morgan “A pleb dedicated to the peel” Crosby