Nate’s Epic Battle for the Universe Against xxXWEEDFARMERXxx

It was a chilly November morning, I had already drank a full pot of coffee, but my morning bowel movement would have to wait. I slid my finger over the inconspicuous power button and the blue light told me it was party time.

My Ps4 has a few nicknames, a few that make my girlfriend jealous, and she should be. Mornings like this are why weekend warrior gamers, such as myself, are willing to go on those extravagant dates.

Sure baby, we can go eat octopus in Ballard, but this weekend I’m just going to hang with my boys. Slam some Redbulls, do a few homoerotic chest bumps and pass the controller back and forth like it’s a game of hot potato. My body was ready.

The iconic Star Wars theme was blaring, my phone was silenced. I had to choose a game mode, but the decision wasn’t hard, Fighter Squadron or Supremacy, all day. I warmed up with some Fighter Squadron. I was flying my A-wing like a pro, slipping between Tie-fighter like I was a lubed up pig and this was a county fair in the deep south.

I locked onto some fool named Ham5terbait, and lit him up with a concussion missile. WOOO RED LEADER REPORTING IN FOR SOME WHOOP ASS! I took down two AI with my blasters and felt like the galaxy was safe from the looming Imperial threat. But then I encountered the faceless menace who would ruin my entire day, xxXWEEDFARMERXxx. This dude was everywhere.

After the fourth time he shot me down, I threw my controller and hyperventilated/cried a little. I quit the match and went to Supremacy. I was riding high in my AT-ST laughing manically as I squashed rebels under my metal feet, when some jerk blows me up with an ion torpedo. GUESS WHO?!?!?! xxXWEEDFARMERXxx.

My first thought was “Is this guy really a weed farmer?” the second, “How much does a weed farmer make?” and my final thought “I’m going to figuratively murder this lawless monster” (I was assuming he was lawless but this could be an unfair assumption if he happens to be properly certified in a designated state where such things can occur legally)

My nemesis was good, no doubt. But I play dirty. I was on a four kill-streak when I was pistol whipped. It was him. I was taking a control point when an impact grenade landed right between my feet and destroyed me. Him. I grabbed the hero power-up and kneeled down, ready to transform into my final form… Headshot, him.

Now my momma didn’t raise no quitter, before I respawned I picked up my phone and typed into the search bar “Inspirational quotes” The very first one that came up was a colorful and endearing quote, “The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.”-Winston S. Churchill. I was so inspired! I picked up the controller and knew I could do the impossible, kill xxXWEEDFARMERXxx.

Controller in hand, I respawned, and began running toward the middle of the map. But what is that? A Tie-fighter power up! I was transported into my ship, I did low strafing runs over the map, slaughtering foot soldiers like Anakin murdered all those sand people. And there he was, in a turret, gunning down my friends and family… xxXWEEDFARMERXxx… I flew the Tie-fighter upwards until there was no more atmosphere. My descent towards the ground was furious, when his turret came into view I hit the turbo jet and SMASHED MY BODY AND MY VEHICLE INTO HIS WORTHLESS WEED FARMING FACE!!! I HAD DONE IT!!! I high fived my dog and turned off my Ps4, I needed some fresh air. And I was totally kidding about the motivational quote, that would be dumb.